Nicole Kidman Knows How To Do The Antarctic

… unlike me, who had to share a freezing cabin with a (male) crew member, was seasick and didn’t wash for a week

I have no idea if Nicole Kidman has gone to the Antarctic to celebrate her divorce or if she has gone there because she can, but this much I know: she looks a hell of a lot warmer than I did. Ms Kidman has taken to Instagram to thank Silversea Cruises for her “once in a lifetime adventure with family and friends”. She has posted a picture of herself looking glamorous pre-cruise in what I suspect is Punta Arenas, a classic jumping-off point for Antarctic trips, as it was for mine. She is photographed with her two daughters, with her sister, next to a banner celebrating that she is “living the dream — one continent at a time” and in a cosy library with a book.

For me, the standout words in the above are “glamorous” and “cosy”. I too have been to the Antarctic. I too have been photographed in Punta Arenas and next to icebergs and penguins. At no point was it either glamorous or cosy, but I’ll start with the gratitude so you don’t think I’m a complete monster. Incredible privilege to have been etc, etc.

Now we get to the “but”. Unlike Kidman, on her big warm boat, I was on a tiny little steel-hulled expeditionary ship belonging to a French explorer. There was space for maybe 20 people, including crew, if we all bunked up. There was no heating and no hot water. I forget what the “story” was that I was supposed to be writing except that it was something to do with gourmet food, which was a pity because that was the other problem. If you take to the Southern Ocean in a small boat, and I strongly advise that you do not, you will be seasick and seasickness is a peculiarly miserable affliction. I was cold, damp and seasick from beginning to end, which was most of a week.

My first attempt at showering was my last, because the water was a cold trickle. After that, I didn’t take my clothes off at all. I had to share a cabin with a male crew member who was woken every two hours to do the watch, which is a nice way of reminding yourself in the dead of night that you are in a small boat, surrounded by ice, in Antarctica. I suspect one of Kidman’s pictures was taken on Desolation Island, where I too have been, and never was an island more aptly named.

I’m convinced the only reason I didn’t die of cold and misery was because my mother told me to take a hot water bottle. Thanks be to God, the ship had a kettle. By the time we got back to Punta Arenas, I was so cold from the very marrow of my bones that I didn’t think I would ever warm up. So to conclude: Antarctica. Cold. Smelly. Amazing. Go if you possibly can, but go with Silversea, not a French explorer. And take a hot water bottle just in case.

Contributor: Hilary Rose