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Sometimes conflictual, often addictive and always intense, karmic relationships are a true emotional roller coaster.
Then this fabulous relationship dynamic begins to change. The ups turn to downs, and the magic of the early days fades. Arguments multiply. So do attempts at reconciliation, but they never quite succeed. This pattern repeats itself and turns into an endless cycle that leaves you exhausted, confused, and ultimately heartbroken.
What is a karmic relationship?
Modern relationship theorists call this type of relationship karmic. Typically, these relationships begin with an overwhelming attraction that seems destined, but eventually become difficult, unstable, or at the very least, deeply confusing.
“When we experience or witness an intense, conflicted relationship, we’re often tempted to label it love, but it’s not,” explains spiritual life coach Christina Lopez in her podcast episode on the topic. “It’s more likely a karmic relationship, and I’ll be honest: those are best avoided.”
But what exactly is a karmic relationship? Should we really avoid them like the plague? Here’s everything you need to know about the subject, according to psychologists and experts.
What is the law of karma?
While the term “karmic relationship” isn’t officially used in psychotherapy or religious contexts, it does have ancient spiritual roots. As you might have guessed, the term takes its name from karma, a concept derived from Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism.
To put it simply, karma is the belief that our actions and behaviors have consequences. In some religions, these consequences can manifest in both this life and the next. For example, some believe a karmic relationship is the result of an unfinished story from a previous life: the two souls reuniting to move on. For others, a karmic relationship is simply a sign that we reap what we sow. In either case, “it’s the principle of action-reaction,” explains Priscilla Lima de Charbonnieres, astrologer, author, life coach, and creator of the Soulloop app . “Every action we take attracts a compatible reaction, whether positive or negative.”
Definition of Karmic Relationship
That being said, there is no precise definition of a karmic relationship: the term has only become popular in recent decades and cannot be traced back to a single source. Not everyone who uses it necessarily agrees on its meaning, or recognizes its inherent harmful side. In fact, several experts agree that all the relationships we have can be described as karmic. “No one enters our lives by chance,” says Priscilla Lima de Charbonnieres. “We attract people into our energy field whose frequencies are compatible and complementary. Karmic relationships are a result of the law of attraction, and every relationship is karmic at its own level.”
Karmic Relationship: Lessons to Learn
Most who use this expression, however, agree that karmic relationships are designed to help us evolve. “The person you’ve attracted is there to help you learn a specific lesson,” explains fortune teller Angie Banicki. “Your encounter in this life was facilitated precisely because there is a lesson to be learned.”
If this sounds a bit far-fetched, psychologists believe that most of the difficulties we encounter in relationships stem from old, unhealed wounds. Furthermore, we also tend to be attracted to partners who unconsciously awaken these wounds.
“Psychologically, there is truth to the concept of unfinished history, since the past lives on in the present,” explains psychotherapist Steven Floyd, who has studied Buddhism and often incorporates some of its teachings into his couples therapy sessions. “Our early attachment experiences lay the groundwork for our future relationships.”
This is why, according to him, our childhood is the first “past life” we should seek to understand, and the challenges we face in our adult lives are often important catalysts for doing so. “When we get into a relationship, we know, deep down, that our partner will help us move forward,” he says.
Karmic relationship or toxic relationship?
Of course, moving forward isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between normal relationship issues and harmful dynamics. “A karmic relationship can feel like a toxic relationship,” says Dr. Candice Cooper-Lovett , a family and marriage therapist. “What they have in common is that there are very pronounced ups and downs.”
That’s not the only red flag they may share. “Karmic connections are both unstable and magnetic, with these couples breaking up and making up again and again,” says Atina Manvelian , Ph.D., assistant professor of psychotherapy at Santa Clara University. “Feeling addicted to these cycles of passion and conflict is another indicator. These relationships are a roller coaster ride that’s hard to get off, as they’re characterized by recurring patterns and emotional cycles.”
To complicate matters further, it can be difficult to break out of a toxic cycle because of the belief that the relationship was destined. “It’s hard to leave a karmic relationship because of the powerful chemistry between the two partners, plus the feeling of a past life connection,” says Cooper-Lovett .
Change things
With this in mind, most experts recommend focusing on how the relationship makes you feel, rather than trying to pigeonhole it. Ask yourself the right questions. Is this relationship allowing you to thrive? Or are you just surviving? Is it allowing you to learn, or is it draining you? Are you and your partner ready for change?
“A karmic relationship allows for learning and growth, even though these steps can be difficult to navigate,” says psychotherapist Ken Fierheller. “This is what differentiates it from a toxic relationship , which is made up of harmful behaviors, such as manipulation and control over the other , or abusive behaviors, without any desire or possibility of positive growth. The purpose of a karmic relationship, on a more spiritual than theoretical level, is to teach partners important lessons, such as self-esteem, boundaries, or emotional wounds that have not been healed.”
In other words, a karmic relationship only becomes problematic when you and your partner fail to identify harmful dynamics and take steps to address them together. “ Fights in a relationship are an opportunity to work on areas that need it,” says Steven Floyd . “But to do this, both partners must be consciously engaged in their relationship. Otherwise, a climate of constant conflict sets in. A healthy relationship isn’t one without arguments; on the contrary, when one arises, it’s addressed. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, a sense of security, and the ability to recognize that each partner is acting according to their own logic, not simply to cause harm to the other.”
Should you leave or stay in a karmic relationship?
These are necessary elements for any relationship to flourish, karmic or not. “Living well in a relationship requires a lot of introspection, research, and spiritual and psychological growth,” says Kim Burris , family therapist and creator of the Holistic Counseling Center.
However, if you feel like you’re putting in the effort, the relationship may be coming to an end . “Realizing that the person who helped you dig up your buried wounds won’t necessarily be the one to help you heal them is a particularly difficult time,” says Burris .
It’s difficult, but experts agree that ending a relationship that’s failing isn’t a failure, nor is it a sign that it was bad. Learning to leave might actually be a lesson in itself. “Leaving a karmic relationship can lead to real transformation or offer you a valuable lesson,” says therapist Nathalie Rosado. “It can help you heal and grow.”
Learning how to break out of bad relationship dynamics is key. To do this, we must accept that we are the actors in our own lives. “We must acknowledge that we attract and co-create our reality in order to heal,” explains Priscilla Lima de Charbonnieres . “In doing so, we gain the power to move beyond our relationship patterns. If we don’t try to change after a breakup, we’re doomed to stay in the same vicious cycle.”
It’s called a karmic knot! To avoid it (that is, to purify your karma, heal your wounds, and change your relationship habits), you also have to learn to offer yourself “unconditional love and respect,” according to Candice Cooper-Lovett .
Kim Burris explains it this way: “Sometimes, ending a relationship that no longer serves us is the bravest thing we can do. It may seem daunting, but it’s a task that offers us an essential gift: a deeper relationship with ourselves, the most important there is.”
Translation by Julie Rodhon
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