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Do you feel like you no longer have as much in common with your
lifelong friend? It’s normal for even the closest bonds to cool, grow distant, transform, or even disappear over time. Today we speak with a psychologist who helps us understand the new forms a friendship
can take and accept when it’s time to leave it as just a fond memory.
We talk a lot about romantic breakups , but not so much about the end of a friendship we considered lifelong: that inseparable friend with whom we shared everything, who suddenly isn’t anymore . To the sadness , loneliness , nostalgia , anger , and resentment produced by this loss, we add the belief that we absolutely have to maintain that bond, almost out of obligation. But there’s no need to force it. People evolve, and depending on the stage of life and the circumstances, that relationship will remain, transform, or disappear. The key is to accept any of these forms in a healthy way.
Circles of friends are getting smaller and smaller
As human beings, socialization is an integral part of our existence and is considered one of the fundamental pillars of well-being, alongside nutrition, exercise, rest, and stress management. The well-known Harvard Study of Adult Development indicates that our health, longevity, and happiness depend, to a large extent, on the quality of our personal relationships .
But childhood and teenage friendships don’t always last into adulthood . “The former tend to arise more naturally because we share a common context such as school, activities, neighborhood, schedules, and routines, while in the case of the latter, work, relationships, motherhood, moving to a new city, personal projects, or new priorities mean they require more intention and care,” says psychologist Cristina Sadurní, an expert in emotional management.
As the years go by, our closest circles shrink, and our best friends become far fewer, dwindling from the 20 or 10 we had as children to just a couple or three. When we see friends from school or our teenage years, we might realize that we’re only connected by the past, that every time we get together, we share our stories, but there’s no new ground to build upon. So it’s possible that we’re “relating more to the memory of that friendship than to how we truly feel in the present.”
It must also be said that we are becoming more selective, we know what we need, and we are beginning to value tranquility and authenticity more . Even so, we are not indifferent to losing one of those friends with a deep-rooted connection, whose emotional impact is profound. “We don’t just lose a person. We lose a support figure, a shared history, routines, trust , and often, a part of our identity linked to that stage of our lives,” the expert notes.
WHAT CAN CHANGE OVER TIME
Friendship establishes very complex emotional bonds, so several psychological factors come into play when we separate from a friend. Barrios explains four of them: The generation of expectations. Each person has a different idea of what it means to be a good friend, how much contact there should be, or what they expect to receive from that relationship. When these expectations , which can change throughout life, are not aligned, frustration or distance may arise.
Attachment style. “Some people need a lot of contact to feel secure , while others experience relationships with greater independence,” says the expert. Each person manages closeness, distance, and conflict in their own way.
Values and life stage. As the years go by, our priorities, our outlook on life, and what we need or like in our relationships can change. We may adopt new or different principles that will guide us and be present in all areas of our lives. A woman at a particular stage of life may have a different perspective and experience of daily life than another woman going through a different experience.
Reciprocity. For the expert, it’s one of the keys to friendship: If there’s no reciprocity, all the work of nurturing the relationship falls on the same person, which means the balance always tips in the same direction. For there to be any continuity, it’s necessary “to feel that there’s a balance between giving and receiving, that we can be ourselves, and that the bond remains a safe haven.”
SOMETHING DOESN’T ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE HAPPENED
When a friendship changes, no one is truly to blame. It doesn’t necessarily have to be due to a specific negative event. People simply evolve, and relationships change. “Sometimes, breakups happen due to a lack of interest or simple discomfort or disagreement, and this leads to what we call silent distancing.” This is where what the expert calls “emotional elegance” comes into play , which consists of being able to look at our relationships with honesty and affection , understanding that a friendship may have been very valuable at one point in our lives and that, at another, it may no longer hold the same significance.
DISTANCE CAN SEPARATE OR UNITE
We may have moved to another city or country, and the physical distance can make maintaining a friendship more difficult. But that’s not always the case. When we see each other again, it’s easy to remember us differently and experience an initial “disconnect” or awkward feeling. However, we might end up liking this new version of ourselves.
Natalia Barrios recommends “not making judgments in the first few minutes of the reunion. ” We often expect to immediately feel the same connection as before, as if no time has passed. But let’s not fool ourselves: time has passed. It’s important to accept that “each of us has experienced things, made decisions, suffered, changed, learned, and become who we are.”
The best thing to do is observe what happens after that initial moment.
“If there’s still affection, tenderness, curiosity, a willingness to listen, and a readiness to find a new way to connect, the friendship is probably just going through a process of adjustment,” says the expert. It won’t be exactly the same as before, but it can become something different and equally valuable.
On the other hand, if after several encounters, discomfort, lack of interest, judgment, the feeling of forcing the conversation , or the sense that there’s no longer an emotional connection with the other person predominates, perhaps that friendship has changed in a deeper way. And this is also valid. “Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime. Some transform , others become less frequent, and others complete a stage in our lives and fade away,” the psychologist summarizes.
HOW TO KNOW IF A FRIENDSHIP HAS ENDED OR IS JUST CHANGING
Sometimes we confuse the duration of a relationship with its quality. “That a friendship goes back many years means it has a significant history, but not necessarily that it still reflects who we are today,” says the psychologist, who adds that “it shouldn’t be measured solely by frequency, but by how we feel: whether we can be ourselves, whether there is care, whether there is truth, and whether there is still a genuine desire to meet.”
The expert assures that a healthy and evolving friendship may change in frequency or form , but it maintains a foundation of affection, respect, trust, and connection; there is an interest in knowing about the other person’s current life and an ability to adapt to changes. “It’s that friend you meet up with again after a while and it feels like you saw each other yesterday.”
However, we may begin to question a friendship when, repeatedly, we feel discomfort, unease, lack of reciprocity, emotional exhaustion, constant judgment, or the feeling that we have to play a role to maintain that relationship.
It can happen that a friend with whom we’ve shared a very important stage of our lives begins to generate feelings of resentment, or we feel that we no longer connect with her way of living, thinking, or relating to others. Amid these negative feelings, guilt often arises as well. “We associate loyalty with always remaining the same with that person and we think, ‘If she’s been our friend for so many years, how can we not feel the same way now?'” And the truth is, over time, it’s normal for our values , our priorities, and our concept of friendship to change.
IF A BREAKUP IS INEVITABLE, EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY IS ALWAYS NECESSARY
The expert encourages us to see it on the positive side and remember the old times, “feel gratitude for what we have experienced, and although it may be difficult, recognize that the relationship is no longer the same today,” because ceasing to share our lives does not mean that we invalidate how significant it has been for years.
A first step in managing this new situation is to acknowledge that it is a real loss and validate all our emotions. “Often, we minimize these losses because socially they don’t have the same recognition as a romantic breakup, but emotionally they can be very significant.”
It’s important to stop fighting with our own feelings and be able to talk about that friendship openly, so it doesn’t become a taboo subject or a persona non grata . We shouldn’t dwell solely on the pain, nor should we idealize only the positive aspects; we need to see the whole picture. “Managing grief isn’t about forgetting that friend, but about integrating what we experienced and giving her a new place in our story.”
Barrios also points out that “we may not be able to prevent someone from suffering a loss, but we can be mindful of how we communicate it.” The importance of words and how we say them is paramount for ending a relationship in a healthy way for both parties. “Closing a friendship respectfully means doing so with emotional responsibility.” Failing to do so might avoid an uncomfortable conversation in the short term, but it can generate a lot of pain and uncertainty for the other person. Therefore, “we must be able to set boundaries without attacking, be honest without hurting , and close chapters without erasing all the good that existed,” says the expert, who sums it all up in one sentence: “The way we end a relationship also speaks to how we have nurtured that relationship.”
Finally, it’s good to remember that everything comes down to acceptance. Right now, we might need to grieve a little, but little by little, we can find a place for that person in our lives. “Not always in our present, but in a place where we can look at them without so much pain,” says the psychologist. “Some friendships don’t last forever, but they’ve been a home for a beautiful time.”