Jemima Kirke Has a Lot to Say About Sex

Is scheduling sex depressing?

No way. Sounds like kink to me. How could it not be? The formality of “let’s meet at four o’clock to go over the family’s summer plans,” but make it “let’s meet at four o’clock so I can fuck your brains out” sounds pretty fun to me.

Six months ago, I got my heart broken by my boyfriend of three years. I’m still devastated and it’s made me feel weirdly insecure about my body and things I never gave a second thought to when we were together. But now I imagine him with other women and being excited or turned on by parts of their bodies that are nicer, better, and cuter than mine. This feels so silly and maybe even delusional, but it’s ruining my self-esteem.

Notice those parts of your body, including the ones that typically aren’t sexualized: your forearms, hairline, toes, chapped lips, belly hair, ears, eczema, breath, etc. Those are the personality of your body. For anyone who was ever in love with you, even if they aren’t anymore, those are the things they think of when they miss you.

Can a fantasy stay a fantasy?

Leave sexual fantasies in your mind where they belong. They are not what you want to create. They are only the inspiration and not the art itself. A lived-out sexual fantasy would be a humiliating horror show of moral decay and depravity. A sordid thing indeed.

Should I start wearing sexier nightwear?

I recommend wearing just a T-shirt (underwear optional) that is one or two sizes too big, so that it doesn’t quite cover your entire ass. This is a classic mom-of-teenage-boys bedtime look. The kind of mom that gets woken up in the middle of the night because the kids are partying too hard. She storms in, her face scowling and scrunched, reeking of sleep, yelling and gesticulating so aggressively that her thighs jiggle and her tits fly about. Her son is mortified. His friends are deeply disturbed and kind of turned on. She wobbles back to bed, not realizing (or caring) that his friends have just transitioned from boys to men.

I hate how I look during sex. What do I do?

Sex has nothing to do with looking good. When you’re really present for it, your ugliest self will be coaxed out into the open and your partner will think it’s the greatest thing they’ve ever seen. The baritone, primal groans and snarls are the sounds of the insecurities leaving your body and you won’t even feel weird about it because you can’t hear anything over the ringing in your ears. When it’s all over and you come to, fresh-faced and doe-eyed, the birds will chirp and a double rainbow will appear over the devastating carnage that is left.

I feel fat and out of shape. I’m always crying and complaining to my husband about it and he is so supportive and tells me how attractive and hot I am. But I can’t trust him because he’s in love with me. I’m sure it’s annoying and boring for him to keep hearing it. Should I believe him? Or the clothes and the photos, etc.?

A hetero man has a good eye. They’ve spent most of their lives studying the sex appeal of just about every woman they see. Just one meeting can be potent enough to bring them to orgasm later that day. Safe to say their understanding of your attractiveness is more sophisticated than yours. In this manner, yes, you can trust him.

Gay man over here. I have a major crush on a straight guy and I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. My friends joke with me about it and they say it would never happen. Am I crazy for thinking otherwise?

Straight men can’t resist the stroking of their egos, regardless of who is doing it. They underestimate the sexuality of anyone who isn’t a straight man, so it’s very easy for gay men to flirt with them. The tension is invalid to them somehow. So they’ll carry on, oblivious to the possibility that they might be a bit gay themselves. I’m sorry he’s messing with you. Breeders are the worst.

I’m middle-aged but still pretty sexually inexperienced. Is there a way to be good in bed without having to go through all the experience?

Sex skills are gross. They have little to do with a satisfying experience. All you need is your genuine curiosity. That gives your partner permission to be curious too. Disappointing sex is dishonest sex. Withholding, hiding, pretending, and all that. It just doesn’t work. That kind of honesty can feel intimidating, but there are few things in life like it that leave me pondering the stars or a single blade of grass. It’s extraordinary, and I’m just so grateful that it’s legal.

How do I stop judging my best friend when she says she really wants a relationship but keeps sleeping with men who treat her badly? She vents to me about it, but never changes anything.

I’m glad you asked, because there’s a serious lack of empathy for “male-centered” women coming from other women at the moment. I’m assuming that most of us, especially the ones who have “de-centered” themselves, are familiar with that struggle. And if you’re not, try to recall a time when you were stuck in a self-destructive pattern that felt impossible to get out of. Even when given the tools. Hope this helps you help her.